Kill me, or love me

08 February 2012 @ 09:49 pm

( Previous weekend in a nutshell... )

05.02.12 - Brenda Ong & Joshua Yap's Wedding

(Photos by: Sha-nin Cheong)

It was really my honour to be able to be Brenda's bridesmaid for her wedding. My virgin bridal party experience with all the gatecrashing/tea ceremony/moving about. Tiring but definitely more than worth it.

Amaris and I were talking about it in the morning about how they'd probably need to prepare tissue, and I casually said I usually don't tear over happy endings. Who knew, the moment I saw Brenda, who looked absolutely stunningly gorgeous, walked down the aisle together with Uncle PK, it was just such a sweet scene I felt tears almost whelming. Apparently Brenda herself had to control her tears and forced herself to think of other thoughts hahahaha. But yes, there were a couple more scenes that were so uber sweet, the tears barged through and almost made their way down - Josh's surprised song item, and when they both reappeared in the Chamber as Mr & Mrs Yap. Especially the latter, that was really just "wwwaaaahhhhhhh" sweet like crazy :') Never expect that I would have actually felt that extreme sweetness.

Both of them must be enjoying their time in Maldives now :>

Ending on a forever alone note: PRINCE CHARMING, WHERE ART THOU? Hahahahahaha

Current Music: 천일동안 (For Thousand Days) - 김희철

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29 January 2012 @ 05:22 pm

Shit.

I am now back to square one, just like how I was starting from last Tuesday night. Or maybe even worse. I thought I was fine already, after thursday night. Guess that was just a facade I had forced myself to put up on without even realizing. My mind is currently going through so much mental shit I don't even know where to start. But you know, that's what makes things even more frustrating. That even I myself am not sure what are the exact reason for feeling this way. I forced myself to list the possible reasons - PMS + brother + heart matters. Truth is, I am not even sure if they are just "excuses" I am finding to at least figure myself out and know what could be wrong. I've been telling myself that it could be partly brother, but subconsciously I am also telling myself, "Isn't it too fast to be feeling depressed and sad about it?" My mind is just one whole whirl now and this mental struggle is making me even more agonized. I don't even know what is what anymore. Whether I am being in self-denial or whether I am forcing myself to be alright, or whether is it even really brother?

I think time alone now does me no good, I overthink way too freaking much. So much so I am mindfucking my own self and making it even more complicated. At least being with someone, or being occupied with something to do, I wouldn't have the time to go think so much about nothing, because I'd be either busy trying to be okay, or busy doing work.

Yknow, I really don't know how much longer I can hold on with such a mental fight, me against myself. I fear I might really go berserk.

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26 January 2012 @ 05:19 pm

Journaling

Back here again for a second post just less than an hour after the first, a pretty rare sight to my current journaling pattern. Seems like the only reason why I come back to livejournal every now and then is only when I am feeling pretty troubled and when there's just too much for my mind to hold. Writing it out then becomes the most suitable medium for me to release and vent whatever frustration I have, be it on work or heart matters (which yes, apparently those are the only 2 that I've ever writing about since I came back after the previous hiatus)

I have now portrayed my own life to be solely sorrowful and miserable. One of the reasons why I decided to keep this journal alive was to continue keeping record of my life, so when after a year or so, I can look back and slowly reminisce that year and the memories along with it. I should try to start noting down more various incidents/thoughts, be it happy or sad or angry or frustration huh. At this rate I'm going, I'll only be able to recall the tough times I had to go through when I was younger, which seems kind of sad. Even the way I write, has now become all solemn and serious (well that's definitely because of the content) Long gone were the days that I jot down every other incident (may be a bit too overboard and random in the past, but I guess I can read about it now and laugh at myself!)

So yes, another thing to add on to my "no-more-procrastination" list: Journaling.

& till then...! (wow, how long have I not said that here huh!)

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26 January 2012 @ 04:38 pm

Guilty

As if not being able to pass this unknown emotional hurdle isn't bad enough, a new obstacle has arrived.

Sometimes I wish my character wouldn't make me be so hard on myself, for the mistakes I make. Its just in me that once I make a mistake, be it grave or tiny, I'll end up feeling guilty as hell. But of course in a way, being hard on myself is good because at least I will definitely make myself learn from whatever mistake that was made. Not all the time, the mistakes can be forgiven. What happens when it turns out to be too grave to even turn back?

Recently I must have been slacking off way too much that I procrastinate in every single thing I need/want to do. Could be due to all the extreme thinking I've been experiencing this whole week, its time I force myself to change. When I say I want to do something, I have to get it achieved and done to its best, no second best involved.

Whatever happened to that girl that was working her ass off with hard work and prudence at Catalog? It really seems it because I have gotten to comfortable, I slided backwards to being playful, maybe to the slight extent of being disrespectful. All the mistakes I've made so far are intolerable, and shouldn't have even happened in the first place. From now onwards, its really time I buck up and revert back to the person I know I was. Hard working and serious and really mean to do her best in every single task given. No more slip-shot work or attitude. I am being entrusted with this wonderful job opportunity, for me to grow and learn so much more. I have to make full use of it and not bring it to waste. Even though now's just the start, I've already made those few errors. The only consolation I have is, I have 2 more months to prove myself, that that hasn't been my best effort (which should already have been).

Be it in exercising, passing my dad's driving probation, and especially this job I'm in, I am going to strive for excellence, and procrastinate no longer. And I mean it.

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08 January 2012 @ 06:57 pm

Forever Reign

You are good, You are goodWhen there's nothing good in meYou are love, You are loveOn display for all to seeYou are light, You are lightWhen the darkness closes inYou are hope, You are hopeYou have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peaceWhen my fear is cripplingYou are true, You are trueEven in my wanderingYou are joy, You are joyYou're the reason that I singYou are life, You are life,In You death has lost its sting
Oh, I'm running to Your arms,I'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign
You are more, You are moreThan my words will ever sayYou are Lord, You are LordAll creation will proclaimYou are here, You are hereIn Your presence I'm made wholeYou are God, You are GodOf all else I'm letting go
My heart will singno other NameJesus, Jesus

Current Music: Forever Reign - Hillsong

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05 November 2011 @ 08:42 pm

Decisions decisions decisions.

Why do we have to make tougher, life-changing-worthy decisions each time we pass a phase of growing up? Every decision in the end have and will affect my life, the way I grew up and eventually what kind of job I will have in the future. Now that I am at the last few stages of it, every decision I end up making is crucial, can't exactly afford wasting money or time. Just when I thought I roughly had it settled, thinking what kind of path I possibly want to take and how I should go about achieving it.

For starters, my field of interest is already so terribly limited - Fashion - which I am not exactly 100% into the whole scene of it. I just have the interest in it but not to the extent of being aware of everything that involves it like the brands or runways or designers. That point alone already causes me to worry, whether will I be able to ace or fail in it. But I technically have no other choices. Me being rather stubborn, I know one thing's for sure, I do not want to do business or any other non-design related courses/jobs. Not only that, just within the category of fashion, I still want to be picky and not do designing (which I obviously can't) or merchandising. After the job at Catalog, I realised I may afterall have alittle interest for writing as well, apart from styling. But that, I am still afraid to explore since I have zero experience on it. My English language isn't very strong either, but that would be a whole new different problem to solve.

Now that I do roughly have an idea on what I want to do, the next decision making is to study or work straight away. This was exactly where I was after graduating from TDS, now I'm back to square one. Working at Catalog made me ponder whether I am really ready for a full-time job straight away, and I am afterall not exactly exposed to the whole scene as mentioned. Thankfully I had the term "intern" to cover up my amateurity, and lackings. & besides, since I am not planning to do anything fully related to my (stupid) diploma, who would want to hire me full-time? I can't exactly be going around interning for long-term just to build up my portfolio right..?

Singapore itself has already quite limited universities, especially for design and fashion. The government unis may have design but definitely not fashion, which only leaves the private unis for me to choose from. But now that also means I have to make a definite decision about what I want to study because of the costly fees (Overseas is no doubt out of the question already.. and besides I have no balls to live overseas myself hahaha) I obviously do not want to waste Dad's money, and just by hearing how vast the difference NUS' fees are compared to RMI's, hell its freaking expensive.

But yes, by the looks of it, I do have to look for another intern job for the time being and make sure that a magazine environment is what I really want...........

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19 October 2011 @ 11:06 pm

Jeopardy

Just as I had just tweeted "One of those moments where I had SO MUCH on my mind to blog but can't the minute I plan to start typing zzzz" I really had so much to say but now I just feel even more lost than I already am. But yes let me try to figure my thoughts out to get it out, cause I need to.

So, starting from yesterday night where I realised for good that my fangirl life had already begin perishing for good. I wasn't so sure if the whole PMS thing triggered it or whatsoever, but I actually thought of just giving all the upcoming Korean concerts a miss, and still do so even now. Even though these 3 concerts are THE concerts I've been waiting for, I just...don't feel them anymore. Not for MAMA, not for SNSD or Block B. It's just as if it dawned on me that I don't HAVE to go for them.

1. I'll still eventually carry on with life though I didn't attend those concerts. KMW was a very good example. Yes though sad I was, in the end I just lived past it and moved on. Now I'm not even certain if I will feel sad for not going LOL

2. MONEY. IF I do go to all 3, on an average, it's gonna cost $200 each, which is literally equivilent to my pay for the past three months in Catalog. Which also indirectly meant I slogged my guts out for the past three months only to exchange for those three concerts. Doesn't seem like they are gonna be worth me giving up the money and slavery for. On top of that, I really have spent so much on kpop. Plus this additional $600 is getting abit too much. I can do so many more things with the money! For instance, save it for future use.

But I kind of need to make a decision real soon being that MAMA tickets are ggonna start selling in two day's time, & SNSD in a week's. I'm probably def gonna regret for a while that I decided not to go but like I said, I'll eventually still carry on with life and it won't maker any difference after a while.

The other factors which are building up this identity crisis in me, I'll just share them another day. One issue at a time, before I do become insane...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: via ljapp

Current Location: Singapore, Yew Tee

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22 August 2011 @ 10:15 pm

김희철씨,

(Pre-script: yea okay, go ahead and judge me. Today is really an except that I am doing such a thing & would NEVER do it again for anyone/anything else. It's really an EXCEPTION..)

( 사랑해요 김희철, 우유빛깔 김희철 )

So, goodbye for now, & till then....

Tags: heechul

Current Mood: Heartbroken

Current Music: Don't Say Goodbye - Kim Heechul

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14 August 2011 @ 11:16 pm

Things I can do with $80

1.Buy a pair of nice shoes
2. Pay half of a concert ticket
3. Eat 4 meals of good food worth $20
4. Recolour my hair
5. Go Gmarket & shop even more
6. Do up a pair of specs I've been eyeing
7. Go to a flea & buy like at least 8 more tops/dresses
8. Eat BR 10 times
9. Buy a damn cheap budget air plane ticket
10. Not work for 4 days (Since I've counted my pay is about $20 a day LOL)
11. Save up and use it for something else in the future

12. NOT end up paying for my mistake of losing 2 pieces of clothing just because of my carelessness.

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05 August 2011 @ 10:51 pm

"With great power, comes great responsibilty"

My fucking ass. You don't need to have power to screw things up like I did today. But yes I'm typing this just so if anyone asks me about it I can reply "it's up in my LJ already. You can go read it"

So here goes the story in short:

I accidentally (obviously) deleted a W H O L E bunch of edits that the Design team has been working on for the entire week or so, and it was all due to my flustering in the morning. Big ass mistake I made right there. The files can't be retrieved from the trash bin as somehow because they are shared folders so the trash bin won't have them. Therefore I practically just wasted their week's efforts and time and they must be fucking hating the shit outta me right now.

I sent an email apologizing to the head because that is the only fucking thing I can do. I really wanna apologize to the entire team because it's more of their work than the heads but I don't exactly know who was the one doing it. It's really gonna be hard apologizing face-to-face but I def have to do it anw.

Seriously, I'm feeling like this exactly because i know how they would be feeling. No matter how fucking nice anyone may be, if you just go and delete their entire week's of work, you'd go crazy!!!!!! I swear, if I know how to properly etch things out, I'd stay up all night to redo it for them :\

When my colleague (sorta like a middleman between the editorial and design) called me, I swear I almost cried the fuck out. Thank God (yea I know the irony between God and fuck here but..) Wang was with me by chance and I could hold the frustration with myself in. I still feel the need to cry it out to make me feel less shitty, but oddly while typing all these, the feelings' just gone.

I really don't know how I can make it up to them and I obv really want to.

FUCK THIS SHITTTTTTTT

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: via ljapp

Current Location: Singapore, Yew Tee

Current Mood: GUILTY AS FUCK

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